Dear Oz,

I regret to inform you that upon cleaning I have discovered that you really are the only cat in the apartment - aside from Anubis, I suppose, but as we all know, he's not much of a cat, really.  I know you had grown fond of the Others, as we shall now call them...  (I had too, to be honest. I bought collars for them yesterday, and had begun looking up Egyptian names...)  But, as the vacuum seems to have done them a disservice, it looks like we will have to resign ourselves to their loss.  I know that they were friendlier to you than the dog is; and they were, of course, more intelligent than Noob.  But please try to remember that, in the end, it's not the quantity of time that you had with them (really, it's only been a month since last I cleaned), but rather the quality.  Savor the memories of chasing them across the sunlit room and cuddling them in the corner.  After all, next semester is coming.  Chances are, they will come back.  You will have friends again.

In deepest sympathy,

Suez.

Dearest Oz,

You know that no one could ever replace you in my affections.  The midnight games of bitey-feet, the sudden and vicious (but loving, I know!) hallway ambushes, and your dear little vampire-kitteh face.  It’s just that I thought that perhaps your skills as feline ambassador might be enhanced by the presence of another such individual – one who possesses a different – but not better! – skill set than your own.  While you continue in your role as chief ambush-attack-and-entertainment officer, this individual will take over the portions of ambassadorship that you don’t seem to enjoy quite so much – such as chief dog-cuddler and tummy-rub officer.  Together you will make a complete feline diplomacy team.  Don’t think of this as a demotion.  It is a lateral move (you’re good at those, remember – especially when pouncing on George).  With love, Suez. P.S. His name is Anubis.  And as he is the new guy, we’ll simply call him Noob.

Dear Oz,

Some tips on computer etiquette:  1. You are not invisible.  Neither are you transparent.  You are, rather, opaque and (I apologize for having to say this so bluntly) bulky.  Consequently I cannot actually see THROUGH you to the content on my computer screen.  2. Nor can I track the movement of the cursor when you are attempting to bite it.  You may have noticed by now – although this is not yet apparent – that the cursor exists in a dimension to which cats do not have access, and therefore all of your efforts are in vain.  3. For future reference, while the most expedient path from point A to point B may in fact be a straight line, when that straight line runs over my keyboard, the resulting effects on, for instance, any extremely important term paper I may be writing, are deleterious.  4. Finally, a computer mouse is not an actual mouse, its general shape and pattern of movement notwithstanding.  Please refrain from pouncing on and making off with it.  It ceases to work quite so well when covered in carpet fuzz and cat spit.  As always, thank you for your cooperation. – Suez.  P.S.  In an effort to increase the quality of our communication, I HAVE been trying to learn your language as much as to teach you mine.  I must admit, however, that Cat, while a fairly intuitive language in the vernacular, IS puzzling in written form.  Pardon me for asking, but what DOES “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz;ibluh” mean?

Dear. Oz.

All right – so I have a couple of stray pubic hairs that happen occasionally to peak out from the sides of my underwear.  Still I maintain that awakening me from my nap by playing with said stray pubic hairs is grossly inappropriate.  And if this is your subtle way of reminding me that I’m overdue for a bikini wax, well it’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, don’t you think?  All I can say is, your behavior is exactly what I have come to expect from the male of the species – ANY species, in fact.  Incensed, Suez.  P.S. I would like to point out that my tube of depilatory crème closely resembles the container of kitty shampoo I purchased for the grooming sessions you so dearly love.  A mistake COULD happen you know.  I’m just saying.

Poor, dear Oz,

I am so, so sorry.  Our legal issues notwithstanding, I still care for you as an individual.  And regardless of your recent indiscretion in regards to Violet, I still firmly believe that no one deserves the treatment you have received.  To suddenly become visible to the dog must have been shock enough, but then to find yourself on the wrong side of the hump, so to speak... to emerge sticky and wet and bedraggled... It is too horrifying to contemplate.  Rest assured that if nothing else, I will be an ear to listen and nibble, a shoulder to cry on and claw.  And I'll supply the wet wipes.  Condolences, Suez.

Dear Sir or Madam:

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your harassing and intimidating actions against my client, Mr. Violet Betta-Fish, have become unbearable. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form. This letter is to demand that your continuing involvement in, planning and encouragement of high-pressure recruitment, information gathering, harassment and intimidation must CEASE AND DESIST immediately. Should you continue to pursue these activities in violation of this CEASE AND DESIST ORDER, we will not hesitate to pursue further legal action against you including, but not limited to, civil action and/or criminal complaints.

In the matter of the assault on Mr. Betta-Fish and his habitat on the morning of 11 September, 2010, our complaint includes the knocking of at least thirty animal behavior booklets from shelves, the shredding of one plant (Elephant Ear), and the smashing of a particularly pretty piece of pottery, in addition to grievous distress and attempted murder.

Mr. Betta-Fish has a right to remain free from your intimidating, manipulative and high-pressure tactics, and I, as his counsel,  will take the responsibility upon myself to protect that right. Note that a copy of this letter and a record of its delivery will be stored. Note too that it is admissible as evidence in a court of law and will be used as such if need be in the future.

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER demands that you immediately discontinue and do not at any point in the future under any circumstances do the following to Mr. Violet Betta-Fish: meow at, stare, pursue, harass, attack, strike, bump into, brush up against, push, tap, grab, hold, threaten, follow, stalk, shadow, disturb his peace, keep him under surveillance, gather information about and/or block his movements in his habitat, or remove him from his habitat, no matter the location of said habitat (which you are forbidden from even attempting to discern), now, and at all times in the future.

Should you willfully choose to continue your current course of action, we will not hesitate to file a complaint with the Humane Society for your ongoing violations of the Criminal (though not, perhaps Natural) Laws noted previously.

This letter does not constitute exhaustive statement of Mr. Betta-Fish's position nor is it a waiver of any of his rights and/or remedies in this and/or any other related matter.
We demand your immediate compliance, and furthermore that you confirm in writing that all violative activity will cease immediately.

Very truly yours,

Suez., counsel for the plaintif

Sent via Priority Mail/Delivery Confirmation

Dear Oz,

You are correct: fishtanks do indeed contain fish.  Very exciting, I know.  Less exciting - or at least less exciting, perhaps, for YOU - they also contain water.  That's what fish live in.  Think of it as a shower or a bath.  You do remember our discussions regarding those?  And so, since I'm sure you would not forget, I can expect that if you ever again sink your entire leg into Violet's tank (that's his name, by the way - he DOES have a name, you know) you will refrain from then using me as transport from off the top of the bookshelf?  I'm only asking because 1) you DID use your claws, and 2) you were very damp.  Also, it is unbecoming of the current feline ambassador to this our home together to eat other residents, if that is indeed what you were intending.  George has made it clear that his primary form of communication and diplomacy in regards to your presence is an absolute lack of recognition.  He's a dog, and if he can do it, then I think perhaps you could also consider adopting such an attitude - towards both him and Violet.  I will continue to see and hear (and feed and pet) all of you (well, maybe I won't pet the fish), and in this way, we will live together in a peaceable kingdom.  Oh, and of course I've moved Violet's tank - I won't say where.  Diplomatically, Suez.