Dear Oz,

It dawned on me this morning that perhaps you did not realize that the basket on the kitchen counter does not, in fact, contain additional toys for you.  Further, the pink orbs you have been batting around and the tan oblong bits you've hidden are not, as you seem to believe, crinkle balls or plushy mice, but rather shallots and ginger.  Not cheap, dear - not cheap.  Do please stop.  Suez.  P.S. If, on the other hand, you are concocting a delicious gourmet meal for us to share, please disregard this memo.

Dear Oz,

One critical difference between our two species is that while Felis catus siamensis tends towards nocturnal cycling, Homo sapiens sapiens does not. Please refer to the following activities that are inappropriate nighttime pursuits within the typical human home:

• Knocking items off shelves
• Swinging from shower curtains
• Rearranging silk flowers
• Scaling closet doors
• Boxing the dog
• Chewing on power cords
• Pouncing on feet
• Nibbling any body part not your own

As a gesture of good will, I am willing to overlook the fact that you did all of these things last night alone, if you will in turn give this your immediate consideration. Yawn. Suez.

 

Dear Oz, a Love Letter:

Sometimes all a girl needs is a little perspective.  You see, though things have been tense between us as we learn to negotiate our co-habitation, I suddenly realized last night that even so, it would take an exceptional human being to live up to your standards.  For, shredded toilet paper and midnight foot-raids notwithstanding, we DO get on well, you are always happy to see me, otherwise leave me well enough alone throughout the day, cuddle all night long, and never fail to make me laugh.  And since the invention of the C-cell battery has rendered human intervention non-essential to achievement of the Big-O, there really is little else with which to be concerned.  So, regardless of any past or future tensions, right here, right now, today, I appreciate who you are.  With love, Suez.  P.S. This does not in any way excuse your actions in regards to the silk flowers in the bathroom.

Dear Oz,

While I can understand your fascination with the items swirling down the toilet, I would prefer you not swipe at them as they go past.  It is messy and, frankly, gross.  I'll admit that some might see this as a strictly personal decision (though I'm not sure WHO would take advice in such matters from the dog), I see it as a public health concern.  Thank you for your consideration, Suez.  P.S. Jumping up and biting me on my backside while I was brushing my teeth yesterday morning, as well as your surprise raid on the toilet paper I WAS USING today seem to herald a return to your earlier hostile stance towards our administration.  Please be advised we are on the lookout for all further signs of treachery and will act accordingly. 

Note to Self:

Always wad toilet paper into tight ball (no long trailing bits) and hide all completely in hand when... well, you know... around the cat, lest badness ensues.

Dear Oz,

Please recall our most recent discussion re: the shower.  While I realize the memo went out on June 27, an appallingly long time ago in feline chronology, still it is important that you take heed: the principles detailed therein, like Newton's Laws, like Kepler's, are universal.  The fact that you chased THE DOG into the shower this time makes it no better.  Please be advised.  Whimper.  Suez.  P.S.  I suppose the up-side is that at least now Cordelia's had a bath.

Dear Oz,

There are three critical pieces of information every domestic house cat needs to know in order to remain a domestic house cat (as opposed to just becoming remains). #1: Showers, by their very definition, are wet. #2: Human beings, when they take showers, are naked. #3: Naked human beings, or for that matter human beings in any state of dress, are NOT ladders. Your prompt attention to this matter is greatly appreciated. Ouch. Suez.

(Written June 27, 2010)

Dear Oz,

I LIKED that thumb-drive. And you have no thumbs. So, um, WTF? Suez. P.S. It's gigaBYTE not gigaBITE. Or did you misread it? It said "4 gigabyte" and perhaps you read it as "for (giga)BITE". I do understand: even the smartest cat's grasp of the English language isn't THAT nuanced. Perhaps you believe you are now running Kitteh v. 2.1?

(Written June 22, 2010)

Dear Oz,

Tea bags are not string toys. And when you pull them from my tea cup they are, as you found out, wet and messy. They also tend to stain carpet. Love, Suez. P.S. String toys are also not tea bags. Just so you know.

(Written June 11, 2010)

Note to Self:

Always securely tuck in strings on yoga pants plus shirt when practicing anywhere near the cat, lest badness ensues.

(Written June 10, 2010)

Dear Oz,

Allow me to clarify: Spider + Bedroom + Eating + Anytime, day or night (but especially at night) = BAD KITTEH. Get with the program. Love, Suez.

(Written June 9, 2010)

Dear Oz,

I am taking lessons in cat diplomacy.  This is not a threat. It is a promise. Suez.

(Written June 1, 2010)

Dear Oz,

This escalation in domestic (cat) terrorism will only result in heightened tensions. You know that, right? Aggression begets aggression. I don't want to have to resort to corporal cuddling, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You have been warned. Suez.

(Written June 1, 2010)

Dear Oz,

I'm sorry that I took away your spider last night. However, don't you think dive-bombing my head for 8 hrs afterward was overdoing it a TINY bit ? I mean, I get that revenge is a dish best served cold... but ALL NIGHT, too??? Suez. P.S. Putting holes in every single sheet of toilet paper, all the way to the cardboard core was just plain rude.

(Written May 27, 2010)