Poor, dear Oz,

I am so, so sorry.  Our legal issues notwithstanding, I still care for you as an individual.  And regardless of your recent indiscretion in regards to Violet, I still firmly believe that no one deserves the treatment you have received.  To suddenly become visible to the dog must have been shock enough, but then to find yourself on the wrong side of the hump, so to speak... to emerge sticky and wet and bedraggled... It is too horrifying to contemplate.  Rest assured that if nothing else, I will be an ear to listen and nibble, a shoulder to cry on and claw.  And I'll supply the wet wipes.  Condolences, Suez.

Dear Sir or Madam:

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your harassing and intimidating actions against my client, Mr. Violet Betta-Fish, have become unbearable. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form. This letter is to demand that your continuing involvement in, planning and encouragement of high-pressure recruitment, information gathering, harassment and intimidation must CEASE AND DESIST immediately. Should you continue to pursue these activities in violation of this CEASE AND DESIST ORDER, we will not hesitate to pursue further legal action against you including, but not limited to, civil action and/or criminal complaints.

In the matter of the assault on Mr. Betta-Fish and his habitat on the morning of 11 September, 2010, our complaint includes the knocking of at least thirty animal behavior booklets from shelves, the shredding of one plant (Elephant Ear), and the smashing of a particularly pretty piece of pottery, in addition to grievous distress and attempted murder.

Mr. Betta-Fish has a right to remain free from your intimidating, manipulative and high-pressure tactics, and I, as his counsel,  will take the responsibility upon myself to protect that right. Note that a copy of this letter and a record of its delivery will be stored. Note too that it is admissible as evidence in a court of law and will be used as such if need be in the future.

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER demands that you immediately discontinue and do not at any point in the future under any circumstances do the following to Mr. Violet Betta-Fish: meow at, stare, pursue, harass, attack, strike, bump into, brush up against, push, tap, grab, hold, threaten, follow, stalk, shadow, disturb his peace, keep him under surveillance, gather information about and/or block his movements in his habitat, or remove him from his habitat, no matter the location of said habitat (which you are forbidden from even attempting to discern), now, and at all times in the future.

Should you willfully choose to continue your current course of action, we will not hesitate to file a complaint with the Humane Society for your ongoing violations of the Criminal (though not, perhaps Natural) Laws noted previously.

This letter does not constitute exhaustive statement of Mr. Betta-Fish's position nor is it a waiver of any of his rights and/or remedies in this and/or any other related matter.
We demand your immediate compliance, and furthermore that you confirm in writing that all violative activity will cease immediately.

Very truly yours,

Suez., counsel for the plaintif

Sent via Priority Mail/Delivery Confirmation

Dear Oz,

You are correct: fishtanks do indeed contain fish.  Very exciting, I know.  Less exciting - or at least less exciting, perhaps, for YOU - they also contain water.  That's what fish live in.  Think of it as a shower or a bath.  You do remember our discussions regarding those?  And so, since I'm sure you would not forget, I can expect that if you ever again sink your entire leg into Violet's tank (that's his name, by the way - he DOES have a name, you know) you will refrain from then using me as transport from off the top of the bookshelf?  I'm only asking because 1) you DID use your claws, and 2) you were very damp.  Also, it is unbecoming of the current feline ambassador to this our home together to eat other residents, if that is indeed what you were intending.  George has made it clear that his primary form of communication and diplomacy in regards to your presence is an absolute lack of recognition.  He's a dog, and if he can do it, then I think perhaps you could also consider adopting such an attitude - towards both him and Violet.  I will continue to see and hear (and feed and pet) all of you (well, maybe I won't pet the fish), and in this way, we will live together in a peaceable kingdom.  Oh, and of course I've moved Violet's tank - I won't say where.  Diplomatically, Suez.

Dear Oz,

In case you were not aware, the purpose of yoga is stretching, strengthening, and, ultimately, relaxation.  Yoga is not a martial art, but rather a moving meditation, and as such, I am not in need of a sparring partner, but would instead prefer a bit of peace and quiet for my practice.  It is not necessary for you to help me sharpen my concentration skills while you sharpen your claws on my ankles; I can work on finding internal balance without also having to demonstrate the maintenance of physical equilibrium against the throes of manic cat; and life itself has shown me how precious is the short span of humanity - you need not fly at my face to remind me.  Please practice your Ninja skills elsewhere.  Unbalanced, Suez.