Dearest Oz,

You know that no one could ever replace you in my affections.  The midnight games of bitey-feet, the sudden and vicious (but loving, I know!) hallway ambushes, and your dear little vampire-kitteh face.  It’s just that I thought that perhaps your skills as feline ambassador might be enhanced by the presence of another such individual – one who possesses a different – but not better! – skill set than your own.  While you continue in your role as chief ambush-attack-and-entertainment officer, this individual will take over the portions of ambassadorship that you don’t seem to enjoy quite so much – such as chief dog-cuddler and tummy-rub officer.  Together you will make a complete feline diplomacy team.  Don’t think of this as a demotion.  It is a lateral move (you’re good at those, remember – especially when pouncing on George).  With love, Suez. P.S. His name is Anubis.  And as he is the new guy, we’ll simply call him Noob.

Dear Oz,

Some tips on computer etiquette:  1. You are not invisible.  Neither are you transparent.  You are, rather, opaque and (I apologize for having to say this so bluntly) bulky.  Consequently I cannot actually see THROUGH you to the content on my computer screen.  2. Nor can I track the movement of the cursor when you are attempting to bite it.  You may have noticed by now – although this is not yet apparent – that the cursor exists in a dimension to which cats do not have access, and therefore all of your efforts are in vain.  3. For future reference, while the most expedient path from point A to point B may in fact be a straight line, when that straight line runs over my keyboard, the resulting effects on, for instance, any extremely important term paper I may be writing, are deleterious.  4. Finally, a computer mouse is not an actual mouse, its general shape and pattern of movement notwithstanding.  Please refrain from pouncing on and making off with it.  It ceases to work quite so well when covered in carpet fuzz and cat spit.  As always, thank you for your cooperation. – Suez.  P.S.  In an effort to increase the quality of our communication, I HAVE been trying to learn your language as much as to teach you mine.  I must admit, however, that Cat, while a fairly intuitive language in the vernacular, IS puzzling in written form.  Pardon me for asking, but what DOES “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz;ibluh” mean?

Dear. Oz.

All right – so I have a couple of stray pubic hairs that happen occasionally to peak out from the sides of my underwear.  Still I maintain that awakening me from my nap by playing with said stray pubic hairs is grossly inappropriate.  And if this is your subtle way of reminding me that I’m overdue for a bikini wax, well it’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, don’t you think?  All I can say is, your behavior is exactly what I have come to expect from the male of the species – ANY species, in fact.  Incensed, Suez.  P.S. I would like to point out that my tube of depilatory crème closely resembles the container of kitty shampoo I purchased for the grooming sessions you so dearly love.  A mistake COULD happen you know.  I’m just saying.

Poor, dear Oz,

I am so, so sorry.  Our legal issues notwithstanding, I still care for you as an individual.  And regardless of your recent indiscretion in regards to Violet, I still firmly believe that no one deserves the treatment you have received.  To suddenly become visible to the dog must have been shock enough, but then to find yourself on the wrong side of the hump, so to speak... to emerge sticky and wet and bedraggled... It is too horrifying to contemplate.  Rest assured that if nothing else, I will be an ear to listen and nibble, a shoulder to cry on and claw.  And I'll supply the wet wipes.  Condolences, Suez.

Dear Sir or Madam:

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your harassing and intimidating actions against my client, Mr. Violet Betta-Fish, have become unbearable. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape or form. This letter is to demand that your continuing involvement in, planning and encouragement of high-pressure recruitment, information gathering, harassment and intimidation must CEASE AND DESIST immediately. Should you continue to pursue these activities in violation of this CEASE AND DESIST ORDER, we will not hesitate to pursue further legal action against you including, but not limited to, civil action and/or criminal complaints.

In the matter of the assault on Mr. Betta-Fish and his habitat on the morning of 11 September, 2010, our complaint includes the knocking of at least thirty animal behavior booklets from shelves, the shredding of one plant (Elephant Ear), and the smashing of a particularly pretty piece of pottery, in addition to grievous distress and attempted murder.

Mr. Betta-Fish has a right to remain free from your intimidating, manipulative and high-pressure tactics, and I, as his counsel,  will take the responsibility upon myself to protect that right. Note that a copy of this letter and a record of its delivery will be stored. Note too that it is admissible as evidence in a court of law and will be used as such if need be in the future.

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER demands that you immediately discontinue and do not at any point in the future under any circumstances do the following to Mr. Violet Betta-Fish: meow at, stare, pursue, harass, attack, strike, bump into, brush up against, push, tap, grab, hold, threaten, follow, stalk, shadow, disturb his peace, keep him under surveillance, gather information about and/or block his movements in his habitat, or remove him from his habitat, no matter the location of said habitat (which you are forbidden from even attempting to discern), now, and at all times in the future.

Should you willfully choose to continue your current course of action, we will not hesitate to file a complaint with the Humane Society for your ongoing violations of the Criminal (though not, perhaps Natural) Laws noted previously.

This letter does not constitute exhaustive statement of Mr. Betta-Fish's position nor is it a waiver of any of his rights and/or remedies in this and/or any other related matter.
We demand your immediate compliance, and furthermore that you confirm in writing that all violative activity will cease immediately.

Very truly yours,

Suez., counsel for the plaintif

Sent via Priority Mail/Delivery Confirmation

Dear Oz,

You are correct: fishtanks do indeed contain fish.  Very exciting, I know.  Less exciting - or at least less exciting, perhaps, for YOU - they also contain water.  That's what fish live in.  Think of it as a shower or a bath.  You do remember our discussions regarding those?  And so, since I'm sure you would not forget, I can expect that if you ever again sink your entire leg into Violet's tank (that's his name, by the way - he DOES have a name, you know) you will refrain from then using me as transport from off the top of the bookshelf?  I'm only asking because 1) you DID use your claws, and 2) you were very damp.  Also, it is unbecoming of the current feline ambassador to this our home together to eat other residents, if that is indeed what you were intending.  George has made it clear that his primary form of communication and diplomacy in regards to your presence is an absolute lack of recognition.  He's a dog, and if he can do it, then I think perhaps you could also consider adopting such an attitude - towards both him and Violet.  I will continue to see and hear (and feed and pet) all of you (well, maybe I won't pet the fish), and in this way, we will live together in a peaceable kingdom.  Oh, and of course I've moved Violet's tank - I won't say where.  Diplomatically, Suez.

Dear Oz,

In case you were not aware, the purpose of yoga is stretching, strengthening, and, ultimately, relaxation.  Yoga is not a martial art, but rather a moving meditation, and as such, I am not in need of a sparring partner, but would instead prefer a bit of peace and quiet for my practice.  It is not necessary for you to help me sharpen my concentration skills while you sharpen your claws on my ankles; I can work on finding internal balance without also having to demonstrate the maintenance of physical equilibrium against the throes of manic cat; and life itself has shown me how precious is the short span of humanity - you need not fly at my face to remind me.  Please practice your Ninja skills elsewhere.  Unbalanced, Suez.

Dear Oz,

I greatly appreciate your help in cleaning out your litter box every morning.  It is a rare and conscientious cat who does not leave the odious task entirely up to his human colleagues.  One point of procedure, however: we are scooping the clumps out of the box, and not back in.  I only mention this because we so often seem at cross-purposes when we are working at this together - me trying desperately to remove waste with the scoop, while you dilligently scatter the pieces into the far corners of the box.  I'm sure it is just a difference in style.  At any rate, I'm confident that if we continue to work together it will all come out fine.  Gratefully, - Suez.  P.S. Hasn't the gate helped terrifically in ensuring that George does not also help with the task?  His method of waste-removal does seem a bit crude.  Although, I suppose it could be considered a bit like recycling.  Still...

Note to Self:

Always don bra before drying hair in proximity of the cat, lest badness ensues.

Dear Oz,

Did you know that the female nipple is attached to the female body?  Nipples are not, as men and babies seem to believe, items independent of their human hosts, to be ogled and groped at will.  By the same token, cats should also be aware that nipples, no matter how much they might, well, droop and dangle, are not things at which to spring or bat.  Therefore, please refrain from doing so when I am changing clothes, getting in or out of the shower, or engaging in any other activity during which time I am, as it were, exposed.  Thank you once again for your consideration.  Suez.

DEAR OZ!

Again, I call your attention to my letter of June 27 containing three critical pieces of information regarding showers, naked human beings, and ladders.  Here are three additional and related items for your immediate perusal: #1 Bubble baths, in addition to containing those oh-so fascinating bubbles, also contain water (you'd think that would be self-evident); #2 Human beings, when they take bubble baths, are naked (can you not SEE the absolute lack of clothing?); #3 Naked human beings, or for that matter human beings in any state of dress, are NOT TRAMPOLINES (I can't believe I even have to point this out).  Extrapolate, dear!  Suez.  P.S. The apartment now smells of lavender and wet cat.  I mean, really!

Dear Oz,

It's no use blaming the dog - I know it was you.  It's not the spinach in the hallway, or the fact that your breath reeks of scallions.  No.  It's not even the claw marks in the sourdough or the self-satisfied look on your face.  But to think you would be so bold as to leave little balsamic kitty tracks all over the kitchen counter...  Brazen.  Insolent.  And I would have been happy to share, had I KNOWN you enjoyed Greek salad.  But now that opportunity is lost and trust is destroyed.  I am distraught.  Suez.

Dear Oz,

It dawned on me this morning that perhaps you did not realize that the basket on the kitchen counter does not, in fact, contain additional toys for you.  Further, the pink orbs you have been batting around and the tan oblong bits you've hidden are not, as you seem to believe, crinkle balls or plushy mice, but rather shallots and ginger.  Not cheap, dear - not cheap.  Do please stop.  Suez.  P.S. If, on the other hand, you are concocting a delicious gourmet meal for us to share, please disregard this memo.

Dear Oz,

One critical difference between our two species is that while Felis catus siamensis tends towards nocturnal cycling, Homo sapiens sapiens does not. Please refer to the following activities that are inappropriate nighttime pursuits within the typical human home:

• Knocking items off shelves
• Swinging from shower curtains
• Rearranging silk flowers
• Scaling closet doors
• Boxing the dog
• Chewing on power cords
• Pouncing on feet
• Nibbling any body part not your own

As a gesture of good will, I am willing to overlook the fact that you did all of these things last night alone, if you will in turn give this your immediate consideration. Yawn. Suez.

 

Dear Oz, a Love Letter:

Sometimes all a girl needs is a little perspective.  You see, though things have been tense between us as we learn to negotiate our co-habitation, I suddenly realized last night that even so, it would take an exceptional human being to live up to your standards.  For, shredded toilet paper and midnight foot-raids notwithstanding, we DO get on well, you are always happy to see me, otherwise leave me well enough alone throughout the day, cuddle all night long, and never fail to make me laugh.  And since the invention of the C-cell battery has rendered human intervention non-essential to achievement of the Big-O, there really is little else with which to be concerned.  So, regardless of any past or future tensions, right here, right now, today, I appreciate who you are.  With love, Suez.  P.S. This does not in any way excuse your actions in regards to the silk flowers in the bathroom.

Dear Oz,

While I can understand your fascination with the items swirling down the toilet, I would prefer you not swipe at them as they go past.  It is messy and, frankly, gross.  I'll admit that some might see this as a strictly personal decision (though I'm not sure WHO would take advice in such matters from the dog), I see it as a public health concern.  Thank you for your consideration, Suez.  P.S. Jumping up and biting me on my backside while I was brushing my teeth yesterday morning, as well as your surprise raid on the toilet paper I WAS USING today seem to herald a return to your earlier hostile stance towards our administration.  Please be advised we are on the lookout for all further signs of treachery and will act accordingly. 

Note to Self:

Always wad toilet paper into tight ball (no long trailing bits) and hide all completely in hand when... well, you know... around the cat, lest badness ensues.

Dear Oz,

Please recall our most recent discussion re: the shower.  While I realize the memo went out on June 27, an appallingly long time ago in feline chronology, still it is important that you take heed: the principles detailed therein, like Newton's Laws, like Kepler's, are universal.  The fact that you chased THE DOG into the shower this time makes it no better.  Please be advised.  Whimper.  Suez.  P.S.  I suppose the up-side is that at least now Cordelia's had a bath.

Dear Oz,

There are three critical pieces of information every domestic house cat needs to know in order to remain a domestic house cat (as opposed to just becoming remains). #1: Showers, by their very definition, are wet. #2: Human beings, when they take showers, are naked. #3: Naked human beings, or for that matter human beings in any state of dress, are NOT ladders. Your prompt attention to this matter is greatly appreciated. Ouch. Suez.

(Written June 27, 2010)

Dear Oz,

I LIKED that thumb-drive. And you have no thumbs. So, um, WTF? Suez. P.S. It's gigaBYTE not gigaBITE. Or did you misread it? It said "4 gigabyte" and perhaps you read it as "for (giga)BITE". I do understand: even the smartest cat's grasp of the English language isn't THAT nuanced. Perhaps you believe you are now running Kitteh v. 2.1?

(Written June 22, 2010)

Dear Oz,

Tea bags are not string toys. And when you pull them from my tea cup they are, as you found out, wet and messy. They also tend to stain carpet. Love, Suez. P.S. String toys are also not tea bags. Just so you know.

(Written June 11, 2010)

Note to Self:

Always securely tuck in strings on yoga pants plus shirt when practicing anywhere near the cat, lest badness ensues.

(Written June 10, 2010)

Dear Oz,

Allow me to clarify: Spider + Bedroom + Eating + Anytime, day or night (but especially at night) = BAD KITTEH. Get with the program. Love, Suez.

(Written June 9, 2010)

Dear Oz,

I am taking lessons in cat diplomacy.  This is not a threat. It is a promise. Suez.

(Written June 1, 2010)

Dear Oz,

This escalation in domestic (cat) terrorism will only result in heightened tensions. You know that, right? Aggression begets aggression. I don't want to have to resort to corporal cuddling, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You have been warned. Suez.

(Written June 1, 2010)

Dear Oz,

I'm sorry that I took away your spider last night. However, don't you think dive-bombing my head for 8 hrs afterward was overdoing it a TINY bit ? I mean, I get that revenge is a dish best served cold... but ALL NIGHT, too??? Suez. P.S. Putting holes in every single sheet of toilet paper, all the way to the cardboard core was just plain rude.

(Written May 27, 2010)