Dear Oz,

One critical difference between our two species is that while Felis catus siamensis tends towards nocturnal cycling, Homo sapiens sapiens does not. Please refer to the following activities that are inappropriate nighttime pursuits within the typical human home:

• Knocking items off shelves
• Swinging from shower curtains
• Rearranging silk flowers
• Scaling closet doors
• Boxing the dog
• Chewing on power cords
• Pouncing on feet
• Nibbling any body part not your own

As a gesture of good will, I am willing to overlook the fact that you did all of these things last night alone, if you will in turn give this your immediate consideration. Yawn. Suez.